A Simple Secret Counterintuitive Mind Hack to Help With Conflict

It could be a friend or partner who acted in a way that you didn't like. Or a work colleague who made you angry. A partner may have made a decision different from what you wanted.

One day, I accidentally discovered a technique that surprisingly made me feel better.

It's effortless, but it requires you to change your natural way of thinking. You not going to like it, but it worked for me.

First, let me say that good relationship communication is essential. There are many ways to significantly improve how we talk to and relate to others. Communication skills can have a significant impact on our lives. Let's talk about that another time.  

Recognize that every time you get upset, you are losing!

Observe how upset you feel. 

How much mental resource does being upset take? 

Does the mental focus on being upset help fix the problem? Will those thoughts make any difference to the other person? 

The mental effort burns through your energy, but what is it achieving?

If you think getting upset will improve things, give it a go and see what happens.

You're doubling your problems 

Okay, the other person was wrong, and you're unhappy with their actions. You're not happy with what they did, and now you're upset on top of that.

What can you change? 

What can you be in control of? Your thoughts, of course.

When you can't avoid or modify a situation, you can always change what you focus your attention on. 

The opportunity here is to dissolve the 'you' that is getting upset, not try to change someone else. The ego mind automatically blames someone else.

I've experienced many situations where I wanted another person to act differently. That wanting never made me feel any better. It's madness trying to change others. It doesn't work. Always change yourself.

How did I learn the secret to feeling better?

One day, I was working on a team project. The project could have gone better and had to be pulled even though I thought it was innovative and needed. I felt a lot of anxiety about the failure.

There were other people I could blame for the failure. For the first time in my life, I tried something different. I sent an email highlighting all my failures and coming up with ideas about what I could have done to improve it. 

I could have lost my job, but for some reason, I felt great. I'd highlighted my flaws. I couldn't fully understand why, but my anxiety was gone. 

Why did I feel better?

Firstly, let me highlight a theory called the pratfall effect. This is why it didn't harm my career.

Behavioral scientists observed through research that highly competent individuals tend to become more likable after committing mistakes. 

However, I discovered the real reason I felt good was simple.

I took full responsibility.

Yes, this is counterintuitive when you think it's not your fault. But by not allowing the thoughts to turn to others or the circumstances, I had less to be upset about.

By accepting I was utterly flawed myself. I was not blameless. It freed the perfectionist tendencies in my brain. 

I did not need to prove anything to anyone.

We’re also always responsible for how we see things.

Most of all, taking responsibility put me in control of my emotions. 

Accepting responsibility works best with relationships

Are you unhappy with a friend, colleague, or partner's actions? Point out something that you did wrong rather than them. Taking responsibility is empowering, and you can feel less of a victim.

If you don't take full responsibility, you can't change it. Accepting responsibility for everything puts you into a place of love, not fear, anxiety, or anger. There can be no conflict when you are in a place of love.

Human relationships exist to produce love. When we pollute our relationships with unloving thoughts, or destroy or abort them with unloving attitudes, we are threatening our emotional survival.
Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

I can't promise it will change the other person. It may soften them. In fact, it's more likely to make them believe they were right all along. But it will soften you and make you more peaceful.

Let them be right so you can be peaceful. After all, you want peaceful, loving relationships, right?

Everyone has their own adaptations

No one can fully live in someone else's shoes, understand their minds, or understand their life. Everyone comes from a place shaped by experience, and those experiences determine people's behavior.

People who cause our wounds almost always don't mean to do so; they are hurt themselves and are struggling.

Allow others to be shaped by their reality and stop thinking it's all about you.

Consider a divine design

Consider that life is meant to work in a certain way. What if, deep down, you are choosing everything in your life? That helps you accept responsibility.

People and circumstances come into our lives to trigger us on purpose. Think of it like a game where you constantly get it wrong and have the opportunity to try again. Our mission is to transcend these challenges to reach a state of mental freedom and peace. 

.. whenever we are contemplating attacking someone, it is as though we are holding a sword above their head. The sword, however, doesn’t fall on them but on us. Since all thought is thought about ourselves, then to condemn another is to condemn ourselves
Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love

 Sometimes, you may need to withdraw from relationships silently if they are really damaging.

But whenever someone upsets you, it's an opportunity rather than an attack. Any disturbance you feel in a relationship can be a window into understanding yourself more deeply if you allow it.

Acceptance unlocks the key to peace of mind and freedom.

Wishing you well,
Howard

"I don't know what I don't know, and I'm always a work in progress."