Beyond Solitude: Escape Loneliness Through True Connection

We are more connected than ever, yet loneliness is alarmingly prevalent today. Loneliness is an absence of connection.

People will do anything to escape the mental suffering of feeling alone. As a result, life decisions can be made that are not in our best interests. But loneliness is different from being alone; let's look at why.

Living aloneness

Have you ever found yourself out walking and the only sound you can hear is your footsteps? It's early evening, and all of nature is quiet. There is no one else around. When you stop walking, you are faced with a wall of silence.

You sigh contentedly to yourself. You feel a sense of deep peace. You feel whole.

You are entirely alone, yet there is no fear, ache, or feeling of isolation from others. There are no pursuits or desires.

What you are experiencing is true aloneness—just being.

Nature is a tool to find aloneness, but it is not a requirement.

Aloneness is a positive state of communion that can’t be seen or measured. It is unity with yourself and everything in existence. Unlike loneliness, aloneness does not come from isolation or separation but is a state of completeness.

You engage with life and its mysteries directly, without the layers of self-deception or isolation that loneliness brings.

Feeling alone is only a mental construct. Aloneness provides bliss and is our natural state of being!

What is loneliness?

A report suggests that 36% of all Americans—including 61% of young adults and 51% of mothers with young children—feel “serious loneliness.”
- Harvard Graduate School of Education, Oct 2020

Loneliness is an emotional response when an individual desires to belong and craves meaningful connection. It’s an ache and fear, a sense of separation and isolation from others

We don’t want to sit and feel what we feel with emotions such as loneliness. We feel an internal pressure to move and seek distractions from it.

We have been wrongly taught loneliness is a sorrowful state. But it is a healthy part of the human experience, highlighting where you are not free. 

Human nature

Humans are social. It was historically important to find safety in numbers. We have a survival imperative to mate and grow our species. Our brains and biology have been shaped to be social creatures.

Have you ever noticed a temporary feel-good factor when people agree with you? This indicates we are looking for acceptance. What we want most is to belong and be loved by others. This can lead to the joyful experience of love and connection.

This need for social acceptance can also lead to problems, such as adapting who we truly are to fit in with others—a pressure to change the incredible human characteristic of being unique.

The need to attach to someone or something can drive bad decisions. Some people stay in abusive relationships just to avoid the pain of being on their own.

We are biased toward avoiding pain and loss rather than receiving something new and better. Often, attempts to escape the pain of loneliness only deepen our sense of isolation.

Separation

A typical human behavior is to make judgments about others. Seeing the bad in someone temporarily makes us feel better about ourselves. The more you judge, the more you separate yourself.

Judgment creates separation between you and others. Everyone is different, shaped by their own experience. The more you focus on differences, the more separation and isolation you experience.

The world reflects back to you what feelings you put out.

The ‘me’ is the ego. Its nature is to build a wall of isolation around itself, leading to confusion, conflict, and sorrow. If you feel you are on the outside, you will go into self-preservation mode. You will feel less empathy and be more defensive. This is an unhealthy separation.

Connection requires love. It requires empathy.

Nonjudgmental awareness is an excellent aid to connection. This is the practice of learning to accept the moment you’re in without making judgments. When you accept everyone as they are, there are no barriers.

In Zen, our existence is seen as intertwined with the existence of everything else. Non-duality recognizes both unity and uniqueness. It acknowledges that while we are distinct, we are also part of a larger whole.

It’s an illusion to think we are truly separate from others.

Insufficiency

Loneliness can come from feeling excluded by others. If people weren’t excluding us, we wouldn’t feel lonely. This is a strong example of when we must override emotion with logic and acceptance.

If you are authentic and place yourself in social situations, you are guaranteed to experience rejection. Anyone who has tried dating will have experienced this.

The emotion of rejection is so powerful. When we take it personally, it drives us to try to convince others they are wrong. We can end up playing a role in trying to influence people to gain love and connection.

There are 8 billion people on Earth, so why are we upset when one rejects us?

Most people won’t align with us. You never fully know why people do what they do. Life is short. When people reject you, it speeds up finding who you are truly aligned with.

Before you can connect with others, you need to connect with yourself.

When completely in love with yourself, you no longer need someone else to make you feel adequate. Then, you can make deeper connections with people.

Peaceful power

One of the most important things you can do is spend time in solitude. It sparks creativity, and better decisions are made. Scheduling time for empty space improves judgments and allows ideas to flourish.

Time spent alone, without distractions, is vital for self-reflection. It can also involve journalling. Self-observation and reflection are essential to gaining awareness and resolving unhelpful mental constructs.

True connection is love

Love is the solution to counteract feelings of separation and disharmony. Compassion towards ourselves and others can break down divisions in the mind and with people. It can dissolve conflict and remove judgments.

When you are in touch with your true, loving nature, you are in unity with others and everything in existence.

We are alone but connected

No matter how many physical relationships we forge, we are born and will die alone. All of our thoughts and memories are entirely alone. It’s how things truly are.

If we can sit still, just be alone, we can reconcile truth. We can let go of the need to seek distractions from it.

True aloneness provides freedom from the constraints of the mind and dissolves loneliness. With stillness of thought, it’s possible to experience the present moment without the mind trying to shape its meaning.

Recognize that loneliness is a state of mind that wrongly believes we are separate and insufficient. We are all unique and incredible individuals but part of a larger whole.

Wishing you well,
Howard

"I don't know what I don't know, and I'm always a work in progress."

It’s simple to understand, but it takes a lot of practice to influence our thoughts. Love to everyone on their journey. If you're really struggling, it’s essential to seek help from a professional.