Zen Philosophy for Dating: Find True Love
Dating has the perfect ingredients to trigger a wide range of emotions. Have you ever heard complaints from others about a dating experience? Zen thinking can help you enjoy the dating process, recognize how we need relationship experiences to grow, and highlight where we are not free.
Selecting a suitable mate has an oversized impact on our lives. Relationships are some of the most valuable human experiences and are worthy of effort.
Anyone who puts themselves into the dating arena is brave and deserving of praise. Does any of this sound familiar?
- "It's been two days... why no reply?"
- "Did I say something wrong?"
- "He said I was perfect, but I haven’t heard back!"
- "She was so so rude."
- "Why are people so flaky?"
- "No connection, no chemistry."
- "They talked about themselves the whole time."
Online dating challenges
First, you need to understand what you are up against.
Apps
Online dating has changed how we meet people, but our brains are still wired by millions of years of evolution to prioritize survival and mating. It's become a social norm, offering convenience but also leading to frustration. While there are success stories, the process can often be stressful and challenging.
Apps offer a convenient way to reach a wide audience, but messaging from your sofa often lacks true intimacy.
Visual attraction vs. long-term compatibility
Apps promise attraction through a photo and a few texts, but they are really just 'introduction services.' Our brains require sensory inputs that only face-to-face experiences can provide to truly identify attraction. Visual imagery plays a huge role—people form first impressions within milliseconds of looking at your photo, which can be difficult to change even after getting to know more. Quick judgments are made based on limited information; photos are critical for initial attraction, but looks aren't what sustain long-term relationships.
Our brains are influenced by visual imagery, forming first impressions within milliseconds of seeing a photo. While these quick judgments shape initial attraction, looks are not the most important factor for long-term compatibility.
Psychological manipulation
Like gambling, apps are designed to manipulate your brain chemistry, releasing dopamine to provide rewards and validation. While this might draw in more views, it doesn't necessarily lead to genuine connections. If we attract someone to a façade, it’s no surprise when it doesn’t last.
Fear of rejection often leads us to seek validation, which can encourage stretching the truth to get more likes. However, starting a relationship based on dishonesty undermines trust, which is crucial for meaningful connections.
Research shows that dating apps create imbalances, where a small percentage of men receive most of the likes from women. This dynamic can lead to an abundance mentality, reducing their incentive for commitment.
You can see why online dating favors short-term relationships.
Don’t take it personally; statistically, you are extremely likely to be rejected in large numbers.
Why do we get triggered?
Have you ever heard a friend talk about a potential date as if they were the most important person in their life? They haven’t even met them yet. Why is it possible a complete stranger can upset us so much?
People live in a future state. They place a lot of emotional investment in a desired future outcome. Imagining a future is a great way to find the life you want, but expectations can lead to disappointments.
We want people to like us and fear rejection. People will avoid the dating process because, deep down, they fear rejection.
In my 7 Facets Workbook, I identify the limiting belief of not being enough, which has become an epidemic in the modern world. Social media and dating are perfect environments for encouraging comparison with others and the need to be liked. Often, our life experiences have programmed our brains to feel we are not enough, and online dating is the perfect mechanism to push this button. If you seek evidence from others that you are not worthy, you will find it.
Do you find yourself upset with what someone thinks of you? What you're really thinking is... 'what others think of me is more important than what I think of myself'. Why would you give others power and control of your thoughts?
Practice acceptance and not knowing
Our brains wear themselves out trying to determine other people’s motives. It’s impossible to fully understand why people do things, their behavioral motivations, or the challenges they have experienced, which shape their actions.
If people ghost or are unpleasant, it really isn’t personal. Everyone is living their own view of life and has a right to advance in the direction they wish.
The universe is really about cooperation and acceptance. Not responding to provocation and keeping our own energy harmonious is key to finding someone we do connect to.
Learn
Sometimes, when things seem like they aren’t working out, the experience is exactly what we need—it highlights our patterns of inner suffering and helps us dissolve negative thoughts.
Dating can trigger conflict with people and our own emotions. Other people can provide our best life lessons, especially when they trigger us. If we improve our thoughts and dissolve unhelpful patterns, a true partner may well come.
Seek dating treasure
Dating is best viewed as an introduction to new people. It’s fun when approached as a curious experience rather than a mission to get someone to like us. This is how we connect with others.
When we feel pressure to find a partner, we lose an opportunity for discovery and play.
If we avoid romantic relationships and dating altogether, we miss a treasure trove of opportunities. It’s an opportunity to find people who are advancing in the same direction as us. Why would we want someone else who is not following a similar path?
Find true meaning
If you need a partner to feel fulfilled and give your life meaning, you will always be stuck at a station. You will always crave something outside yourself. People will be only a temporary rescue remedy and distraction.
"We don’t complete each other; we complement each other."
— Mooji
Mooji tells us to watch out for always seeking a potential partner—the constant desire for something outside ourselves. When we move from one person to another, looking for something to fill a need within us, we will always be disappointed.
Let go of any self-identity story in which you see yourself with someone else to be satisfied. Let go of the idea that to be whole, you need to be attached to someone. See, there really is nothing missing, and enjoy what is available.
Find true love
Life is exhausting for people who believe there’s something fundamentally wrong with them and they are not lovable.
Only what's inside can bring long-lasting happiness. Immerse your attention inside the space of your own heart and self, which is beyond need. This somehow neutralizes needy energy and is more attractive. Recognize the difference between wanting a romantic relationship and needing one.
We draw people to us when we have the right inner state. What if, instead of looking for someone to complete us, we focused on finding peace within ourselves?
Stop seeking approval
It’s enjoyable and exciting to get approval, but there's a big difference between wanting approval and needing it. When you need approval, you become immobilized when you don't get it. You’re making other people's opinions more important.
People who get the most approval in life are the ones who don’t care about it.
Seek quality in your life rather than how you appear to others. When independent of others’ opinions, we don’t see everything as an attack on us. We dissolve conflict with others and put out an energy that people want to be around.
Redefine your own greatness. No one can compete with you being you. You are already incredible and unique, and you don’t need others to tell you that.
Be authentic
Dating is about making a connection, and that won’t happen if you're energetically trying to sell yourself or not being authentic like you are with friends.
Real connections are built on authenticity. Long-term partners will appreciate your everyday quirks and appreciate you for who you truly are.
Other dating tips
Understand apps' limitations and gamification, including how they drive dopamine. Don’t allow emotions to be manipulated unless that’s what you want.
Trust your deep inner signals. Avoid viewing someone through the lens of past experiences. For example, if you've experienced cheating, you might scan new people for evidence of that instead of truly listening to them. Human brains love to confirm their programmed beliefs.
To choose a partner wisely, understand what draws you to others. Identify your attraction patterns and biases. For instance, a man's relationship with his mother can shape his relationship behaviors, including attraction to problematic partners. Be aware of your own biases and behavioral adaptations. Before dating, understand attachment styles fully.
Recognize that online dating is just an introduction app where you cannot assess true attraction. Waste less time by limiting the number of messages. Tell people you need to meet them to assess compatibility. Be open to meeting many people in safe environments. Accept rejection and bad communication as normal in a dating process.
Dating is more successful through shared experiences. After initial coffee shop dates, plan mutually enjoyable activities or occasions. Even if it doesn’t lead to a long-term match, you will have a fun day.
Seek alignment rather than likes. Clearly communicate what you want from dating—whether it's a long-term relationship or a temporary joyful experience. Honesty saves time and pain.
Always focus on what you want from life rather than discussing past bad experiences, especially on a date.
What you put out is what comes back. Practice grace, kindness, and active listening. Be grateful for the opportunity to meet someone new, and give your full attention, even if there's no attraction. Maintaining a state of grace and peace will reward you.
Empower dating with Zen
Recognize the uncertainty but pure possibility that life offers. Go with the flow and trust that all the events of your life and the people you are with are for a reason. People sometimes come and go. You never know when you will meet someone; observation tells us it’s often when we least expect it.
If you fully live each moment and find joy in the simplest things, you will reflect that attractive energy outwardly.
Zen philosophy teaches us that true love starts from within—by letting go of expectations and embracing who we are exactly as we are. When you love without needing anything in return, you’re truly free. Now, that's a recipe for successful dating.
Wishing you well,
Howard
"I don't know what I don't know, and I'm always a work in progress."